Muscle’s (Why I Don’t Have Them)

Let us take a moment to discuss muscles. 

Not just our regular every day muscles but the huge muscles of the perpetual protein shake swilling, horse hormone shooting, can’t do the hibbity dibbity, tosser of the free weights. 


During my weight training, which consists of me projectile sweating until a small rain forest sprouts around me, I’ll typically lift as much as an 8oz barbell while trying desperately not to crap my pants. 

Next to me (every day I’m in the gym instead of the pool it seems) is a man working out who looks as though his muscles have grown their own muscles because they’ve each grown lonely and need a friend. 

He’s huge. 

As I’m struggling with the bench press I see him chuckling to himself & then outright laughing at me while he ties one of the weight bars into a perfect sailors knot and then breaks another one over his knee and proceeds to throw it into the sun. 


I see him waddle over to the squat machine, pick the entire thing up and start curling it. 

Now, I know the workout life can be addicting but I’m not sure that I need to associate with the eternal muscle head since obviously the injections have done a number on his brain. 

As I left the gym he had finished his curls, set the squat machine down & had begun chewing on the corner of it while making strange contented noises. 


I think I’ll stick with a smoothie…

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