Let’s just say that Adrienne begins each session with a smile and a sweet, soothing voice but under that smooth facade lies a seriously deranged woman.
“Let’s start by swallowing your pride and selling a little bit of your souls to me in return for me even deigning to look at you for the next 40 minutes” (even though she’s on YouTube)
Laying out my now used yoga mat that smells delightfully like something I can only describe as “stank *ss” after one session, I prepared myself for The Inquisition.
“Let’s begin with a few deep breaths while pinching your pee pee with some rusty pliers.” (WHAT?!?!)
“It’s all about self control and the ability to let it all go” (I felt something letting go)
“Hold it” (Hhhnnnnghhh…)
“Now release your tension (and the pliers) and feel it flow out through your beautiful yet crimson facade” (flowing now, yes…)
Letting go of my rusty pliers and “feeling it flow” I did indeed feel intense release and I immediately wet my stanky yoga mat.
(Could you at least wait for me to respond, Adrienne?!?!)
“Now, position yourself in Downward Faceplant, arms behind you, palms up and move your lips to the side so you’re not trying to breathe through your sopping wet yoga mat.” (Sweet Haysoos this thing stinks)
“Extend your right leg, avoiding sticking your toes in the box fan behind you, and slowly curl it behind and over your back until you’re standing next to your face” (ouch)
“Now bite yourself”
(WTF?!?! How’s that
supposed to help?)
“It lets you know you’re alive” (No it doesn’t, the urine and the weird fungi smell certainly do)
“Now, do the same with your left foot” (We’re breaking up Adrienne. It’s not me, it’s you)
“Pick your nose with the middle toe of your left foot” (I’m beginning to think you got your yoga training in the Dollar General parking lot)
“Using your hands, push yourself into a standing position without moving your feet” (I’m Going To Hunt You Down Adrienne, position)
“Aaaaaannnd, relax. Doesn’t that feel good? (Bite my hiney, Adrienne)
“Try not to hyperventilate. Breathe slowly and let the negative energy flow from your body” (Adrienne, I have only positive energy. It’s lighting bolts and I’m hurling them through my tv at you)
“Wasn’t that fun? This week I’ll be in the Aldi parking lot on Meyer & Troost from 7-8 on Wednesday and the abandoned warehouse on SW Boulevard under the I35 bridge on Friday from 7:30-8:30” (I KNEW IT!!!!!)
“Have a great week everyone!”
(Oh, I’ll be there Adrienne. You’re gonna pay…)