I’m dying inside.

Just a little bit each day.

After several months of dedicated self emasculation and exercise I decided to make my way over to the absolute liar sitting benignly on my bathroom floor just to see if I’ve made any progress.

I stuck my toe out towards the scale & I actually heard it growl at me.  It had a menacing look but I was dedicated to my task and I stepped aboard.

I was delightedly surprised to see that in the last 6 months of swimming, running, weightlifting and projectile crying I had lost absolutely zero pounds.

Not.  One.  Ounce.

My eyes welled up and threatened to spill over.

My first thought was “What the *&%# have I been doing this for?!?!”

My second thought was “Maybe I should lay off that third funnel cake and the half pound of bacon in the morning…”

So, rationale took over and I’ve begun to diet as well as exercise.

The first few days didn’t go so well.

On day 1, after a breakfast consisting of 6 wood chips and a bowl of grout, I began my run.  About 15 minutes in I heard a low rumble deep in my belly and was racked with spasms I can only equate to childbirth.  I ran the rest of the way home on my tiptoes with my knees clenched together and hunched over looking like a damned fool but not caring in the least. 

I barely made it.

My blushing bride thought I was killing something in the downstairs bathroom but it was only my squeals of unbridled terror about what was happening in that very confined space.

Day 2 was slightly better with the morning meal made out of a miniature hay bale and flavored with beaver anal glands. At least the algae beverage was…well…never mind what it was.  Rest assured that the result was clearly (rather murky actually) the same as the day before.

I began to realize that apparently the correct diet was one that not only made you regular, but one that made you unstoppable.

I’m now happily munching away on a box of sawdust bars and not straying too far from my porcelain throne which, subsequently, is now decked out thanks to “Pimp My Throne” from the fine folks at Home Depot.

It’s got gold accents and the handle spins after it’s done flushing.