Claude Have Mercy

Claude have mercy.

It’s been a long time since I began the morning by punishing my “temple”.

self-abuse1

Actually, that’s not true. I’ve been monumentally punishing myself for quite some time. Turning my small Appalachian roadside chapel into something more like…

…the Taj Mahal.

Mine’s a little less of an eternal love theme and more along the lines of a Love Boat.

The goal this morning was a half mile in 30 minutes so I leapt off of the pools edge and levitated right back out like some commanding water god.

Sweet cheez-it’s that water was frigid. I’m pretty sure I no longer have a pee pee, more like some sort of relief divot in my midsection.

Summoning my courage and depositing my diminished manhood into my swimming trouser pocket I leaped once more into the briny (chlorine-y) deep.

cliff-diving-450x300

Swimming along, my vision began to blur.
Then gray.
Then blacken.
Suddenly a white light appeared at the end of a long tunnel. Ethereal music was playing and I’m sure I heard Enya singing “Wild Thing” when a booming yet gentle voice appeared in my head saying:

“BREATHE, YOU IDIOT”

So I did.

do-not-swallow

After I breathed in, I brought my head out of the water, coughed out someone’s stray bandaid and realized…

I’d made it to the other end.

A bunch of ladies I’d never laid eyes on were there looking concerned. I’m sure I’ll give them much to discuss…
old-ladies-in-pool
*Good morning all. It’s nice to be making fun of myself once again 😉

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