I started with a fifteen minute flexibility program through an app I found called “Daily Yoga”. This is a site that through calm voices and meditative contemplation will manipulate your body into something resembling a multi loop twisty turny roller coaster at Magic Mountain.

While learning the arts of a contortionist I was introduced to several named poses and immediately came up with new names for them while holding my leg out and stretching my hand much like a Michelangelo character reaching for his deity, only in my version the characters hand is shaking like a leaf and he’s trying not to poop in his “yoga” (pizza) pants.

There was:

*Thunderbolt which I aptly named “Thunderpants” after feeling a little “relaxed”.

*Cat Balancing Pose which indeed my cat can do and I make look like I’m sh*tface hammered and trying to complete a dui field test with a determined straight face.

*Dynamic Reclined Spinal Twist. I’m certain that the famous Torquemada of the Spanish Inquisition had a device that did this to unsuspecting human beings and now we get to do it to ourselves. How delightful!

*Shrieking While Peeing On My Yoga Mat. This one should be self explanatory.

After fifteen minutes I was told to relax (Thunderpants Position) and breathe, (Aroused Bullfrog Position) huffing in and out while snot bubbles form at each of my nostrils (amazing in itself as each nostril was working independently of the other. No idea how I did that) and let my mind relax my body (the knotted and coiled meat sack that took a mere fifteen minutes to attain).

I can’t (CAN) wait until I reach the advanced course. At that point I should be able to join the Chinese circus and fold myself into one of those little (refrigerator) boxes!

More to come…