Whey Protein Drinks

and why I’ll be enjoying these things a LOT. 

The body builders of the community tend to have the mindset of low fat, low carb and high protein and apparently one way to onboard some protein and heal muscles is whey protein powder drink mixes. 

No whey, you say?

Why yes whey! 

Whey is the leftover cloudy substance dairy farmers scrape off the milk barn walls after each and every cow has left its own “scrape” marks and then boil it vigorously until tastes distinctly of the north end of a southbound rhino. 

Adding approximately 3 1/2 other ingredients including amino acids, (ACID!!!!!) creatine, (instant cretin) horse rectum (kidding…I think) and vanilla flavoring, a quite palatable substance is obtained. 

Well, this morning I decided to add a whey protein drink into my workout regimen (yes whey!) because I’m a FINELY tuned athlete and dammit, I deserve it!

After careful consideration of the directions, I spied the words “add to your favorite beverage” so I immediately snatched up the vodka and commenced to gettin’ healthy. 

After three protein drinks and about seven protein shooters (vanilla whey with some oj is highly recommended) I was ready to make my way onto the treadmill and show these (incredibly sculpted) Jackwagons…

HOW. IT. WAS. DONE. 

Swaggering up to the treadmill I tripped on the cord and barely caught myself on the foot rail before mashing my forehead in onto the rubber floor.

Gathering my dignity I stepped aboard and turned it on, not noticing it was set at 207mph. 

Both feet shot out from under me like they belonged to The Flash while the rest of me belonged to Fat Albert. 

The wet smack I made on the belt sounded like a raw brisket hitting floor on a hot day and the screeching sounds coming from my legs as I held on to the heartbeat measuring handrail were delightful. 

The racing Nordic Track was busy doing me a favor and trying to sand off my cellulite (who needs liposuction when you can just scrape it away at the gym?)

Anyway, picking myself up one again I glanced at the readout on the treadmill screen and saw that I’d traveled just under thirty miles in a few seconds and burned 3400 calories so I figured that was enough. 

I was headed back to the weight room. 

I was pretty thirsty at this point so I knocked back another Tito’s and protein tallboy on the way and smashed the cup on my forehead to show my dominance in the weight room. I’d seen rednecks in movies smash beer cans on their foreheads to prove their manhood so I was improvising. 

Waking up back on the floor I was surrounded by the concerned faces of people I’d obviously impressed with my cup smashing technique. 

They helped me up and several bowed and genuflected (away from me though. I’d never seen that.) I thought I might have heard some laughter but I wasn’t sure as my vision kept greying out and my ears were buzzing. 

Anyway, just a word of advice here. 

For those of you who don’t know this already, vodka isn’t a good idea in a protein drink. 

I’m betting whiskey will make a real difference…