Tag Archives: chris graham

My First Real Weightlifting Workout

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Today’s workout observations will be brought to you later this afternoon as I delve into the world of weight lifting (& avoiding the posing mirror)
Funny how when you’ve decided to start waking up at 5 IN THE $&#% MORNING your body says “This what we will now do FOREVER!” 
Maybe if I start treating it more as a “Temple” rather than a “Dumpster” it’ll cut me some occasional slack.

We’ll see. Stay tuned…

 

***Later that day…***

 

Aaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiii!!!!!

and
Aaaauuuugggggghhhhhh!!!!!

sing it with me now!
Hhhhuuuuuuuuuunnnghhhh!!!!!

This first day of gym time has been brought to you by the jellied sticks formerly known as my lower extremities. 

I’m pretty sure I left both of my legs over at the drinking fountain. Two of the old men from the elliptical machines are trying them on now. 

After downloading the latest & greatest beginners weight lifting program (I this one was for extreme beginners, in fact I seem to remember the word “fetus” somewhere in the title) I started in with squats.

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This word is what I’ll probably be doing for the rest of the evening & into tomorrow. This graphic word was followed directly by leg presses, calf raises & leg extensions (I’m gonna need them).

Have any of you seen the YouTube video of the runway model who can’t stop wobbling on her high heels? Look it up. This is exactly what I looked like walking back to the locker room. 

I didn’t feel that I had done quite enough so I dragged my (insert donkey alternative here) into the pool for some flailing and proceeded to tow my legs like bait for a solid mile. 

I’m not sure I’ll be able to move in the morning but tomorrow is back, shoulders & arms. Not sure if the pool will see my tears…

My Special Friend

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As I hauled my great white fish belly into the pool today I was treated to the sight of an elderly lady in full makeup regalia.

She was wearing a pearl (I’m assuming imitation) necklace, a bathing cap, a full scuba diving face mask and a mumuit doing (my best guess) the back stroke. 
As she stopped at the end of the lane she struck up a conversation.
With the scuba mask still in place she looked like she’d been on the sooooo not winning side at the end of a professional welterweight boxing match. Her lips were all puffy under the nose seal & my mind couldn’t shake the vision as my eyes were glued to the center of her face.
I actually had to look at her hands to make sure she didn’t have gloves on & was looking at me for retribution (I know, boxing gloves in the swimming pool. That’s just the way my mind works when oxygen & fatty food deprived).

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I realized at that very moment that this wasn’t just a light conversation. SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME!!!!!

I guess if you don’t lay it out there you’ll never get the opportunity but that hit me square between the eyes.
I made up some lame excuse about organizing my sock drawer & hightailed it out of the pool. 
She waved & said she see me again. 
Maybe it was my imagination but those words sounded a little threatening…

Today’s workout was a little rough.  I came, I saw, I Concorded.

Feeling Curly

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What I think I look like while doing curls…

***

It seems that many of my workout mornings are sponsored by the letter “F”. 

I’m pretty sure that the reason there’s an exercise called “preacher curls” is because the entire time you’re doing them you’re praying to the almighty that your arms will stop the screaming. 

I kept getting worried looks from the aerobics instructor so I just left them there at the bench unhappily pistoning away. At that point I didn’t even care that I looked ridiculous. 
They’ll make their way home later. 

FYI… “F” is for Fantastic because that’s how I feel. 

FAN $&#%ing TASTIC…

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What I actually look like while doing curls.

 

Stay thirsty my friends…
 

 

Day Two. Rue, dispair & agony on me.

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The bottom of the pool is a frightening place.  Except when you’re me.  Then it’s horrifying.

***

And so day two happened.

Three quarters of a mile in the pool while doing what I’ve come to call the “Near Death While Panicking” stroke. 

One of the aqua aerobics ladies stopped me so she could tell me that she and the other ladies could hear me shrieking under water & could I stop.

After coughing out about seventeen gallons of water directly in front of her, I readily complied with even more vigorous exercise by running away.

 
Ps. I’m pretty sure there was a shark in the pool.