Tag Archives: exorcise

Muscles I Didn’t Know I had

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Ah, the gym. Such a nice, pristine place. 
With the soothing sounds of the Steve Miller Band emanating from the overhead speakers you wouldn’t think that this is a place of torture, humiliation & denim dress wearing speed walkers (true). 
Today I found my gummy legs right where I left them by the drinking fountain and I’ve decided that my arms would prefer to live there as well. 
My torso is slowly making its way to the locker room while my mind drifts in & out of consciousness. 
Lats, biceps, triceps, quintupliceps. Muscles I didn’t even know I possessed and muscles I made up for this post are ON FIRE. 

Tomorrow, more news from the pool. I’m not sure but I think the aqua-ettes have been missing me for the last couple of days.

My First Real Weightlifting Workout

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Today’s workout observations will be brought to you later this afternoon as I delve into the world of weight lifting (& avoiding the posing mirror)
Funny how when you’ve decided to start waking up at 5 IN THE $&#% MORNING your body says “This what we will now do FOREVER!” 
Maybe if I start treating it more as a “Temple” rather than a “Dumpster” it’ll cut me some occasional slack.

We’ll see. Stay tuned…

 

***Later that day…***

 

Aaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiii!!!!!

and
Aaaauuuugggggghhhhhh!!!!!

sing it with me now!
Hhhhuuuuuuuuuunnnghhhh!!!!!

This first day of gym time has been brought to you by the jellied sticks formerly known as my lower extremities. 

I’m pretty sure I left both of my legs over at the drinking fountain. Two of the old men from the elliptical machines are trying them on now. 

After downloading the latest & greatest beginners weight lifting program (I this one was for extreme beginners, in fact I seem to remember the word “fetus” somewhere in the title) I started in with squats.

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This word is what I’ll probably be doing for the rest of the evening & into tomorrow. This graphic word was followed directly by leg presses, calf raises & leg extensions (I’m gonna need them).

Have any of you seen the YouTube video of the runway model who can’t stop wobbling on her high heels? Look it up. This is exactly what I looked like walking back to the locker room. 

I didn’t feel that I had done quite enough so I dragged my (insert donkey alternative here) into the pool for some flailing and proceeded to tow my legs like bait for a solid mile. 

I’m not sure I’ll be able to move in the morning but tomorrow is back, shoulders & arms. Not sure if the pool will see my tears…

My Special Friend

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As I hauled my great white fish belly into the pool today I was treated to the sight of an elderly lady in full makeup regalia.

She was wearing a pearl (I’m assuming imitation) necklace, a bathing cap, a full scuba diving face mask and a mumuit doing (my best guess) the back stroke. 
As she stopped at the end of the lane she struck up a conversation.
With the scuba mask still in place she looked like she’d been on the sooooo not winning side at the end of a professional welterweight boxing match. Her lips were all puffy under the nose seal & my mind couldn’t shake the vision as my eyes were glued to the center of her face.
I actually had to look at her hands to make sure she didn’t have gloves on & was looking at me for retribution (I know, boxing gloves in the swimming pool. That’s just the way my mind works when oxygen & fatty food deprived).

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I realized at that very moment that this wasn’t just a light conversation. SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME!!!!!

I guess if you don’t lay it out there you’ll never get the opportunity but that hit me square between the eyes.
I made up some lame excuse about organizing my sock drawer & hightailed it out of the pool. 
She waved & said she see me again. 
Maybe it was my imagination but those words sounded a little threatening…

Today’s workout was a little rough.  I came, I saw, I Concorded.

Feeling Curly

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What I think I look like while doing curls…

***

It seems that many of my workout mornings are sponsored by the letter “F”. 

I’m pretty sure that the reason there’s an exercise called “preacher curls” is because the entire time you’re doing them you’re praying to the almighty that your arms will stop the screaming. 

I kept getting worried looks from the aerobics instructor so I just left them there at the bench unhappily pistoning away. At that point I didn’t even care that I looked ridiculous. 
They’ll make their way home later. 

FYI… “F” is for Fantastic because that’s how I feel. 

FAN $&#%ing TASTIC…

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What I actually look like while doing curls.

 

Stay thirsty my friends…
 

 

One For The Ladies

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As I donned my circa 1984 fluorescent yellow & pink scuba suit I thought “You know, the ladies are in for a treat this morning!” 

With flippers on, mask & snorkel in tow I made my grand entrance into the pool room. (If you’ve ever worn swim fins you know how awkward this walk looks…)

The Glamour Boys were the only ones in the pool. 

One of them choked a little bit while the other snickered barely under his breath as I made my way into the water, ashamed to the core, feeling like some sort of neon Michelin Man and squeaking as if two overinflated balloons were rubbing together under my suit. This wasn’t how I’d planned it…

With the Glamour Boys (strangely cologne free) putting on their best Oprah Winfrey show gossip segment next to me in lane four I proceeded to exercise my humility away.

Day Two. Rue, dispair & agony on me.

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The bottom of the pool is a frightening place.  Except when you’re me.  Then it’s horrifying.

***

And so day two happened.

Three quarters of a mile in the pool while doing what I’ve come to call the “Near Death While Panicking” stroke. 

One of the aqua aerobics ladies stopped me so she could tell me that she and the other ladies could hear me shrieking under water & could I stop.

After coughing out about seventeen gallons of water directly in front of her, I readily complied with even more vigorous exercise by running away.

 
Ps. I’m pretty sure there was a shark in the pool.

 

In The Beginning

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ImageMe running at night.

 

Day one

(of many in the new resolve to stop being round.)

 

So, this morning I went jogging for the first time in 10 years. I started off slowly from my house and after much sweat and many tears I went ahead and made it to the second block… 
I’ve decided that round is probably not the best shape for me to be in so I’ll be working on a more oval physique and slowly moving towards the triangle. Being in front of the prep table has taken its toll & my favorite twelve ounce curls aren’t helping either.
Once more into the breach, dear friends!

More to follow on an irregular basis…