Tag Archives: funny

The Dementia Games

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Today was like an episode of “The Dementia Games”
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“W”, my “apparent” special friend in the pool, has been playing unwitting tricks on me. 

When she asked me how the cornbread turned out I told her that I thought I’d done something wrong. 
As I quoted her recipe back to her verbatim she shook her head with each ingredient & said “No, no” and my yabbut’s (yeah, but…you said!) were falling on deaf (& swimming cap covered) ears.
She proceeded to give me an entirely new recipe which I’m supposed to make today. 
All if my work in the pool is coming undone due to the dastardly cornbread. 

I should have realized what was going on when I arrived at the pool & one of the aqua-ettes whispered to the other 

“Watch this…”

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The NFL & Personal Hygiene

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Let’s have a short chat about personal hygiene. 

As I’ve spent more time in the pool my skin & hair have tended to dry out a bit so I’ve been sampling some different products to combat the Death Valley feel to my overall person. 

Dove body wash for men has proven to be quite nice. It seems to rehydrate my skin after the chlorine has done its best to suck the soul from my outer layer. 

Head & Shoulders has the distinction of being the “Official shampoo of the NFL” and, upon trying their product, I’ve determined that they must mean the National Farina League because my hair feels like a haystack. 

I’m pretty sure they’ve got some industrial stripper in there. 

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As I toweled my hair dry I started a small brush fire & had to jump screaming right back into the pool (where I was immediately consoled with more flirting from my special friend).

***Its Monday so that means a leg workout plus swimming to combat the lethargy of the weekend. Once again after turning my legs into vanilla pudding I had to drag them through the water behind me for a half mile before I could feel them coming slowly back to life. 

I’m fairly sure that the hand prints and drag marks leading to my car are a good indicator that I’m at least not faking it (much) in the gym. 

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Have a happy Monday my friends 😉

The Incline Press

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As I made my way into the gym this morning I was treated to the sight of the slowest line dancing I’ve ever witnessed. 

Four rows of elderly booties shaking & moving to the sounds of (in my headphones) Tenacious D. 
Removing said headphones, Olivia Newton John came into focus & Let’s Get Physical swam into my aural view. I was amazed & horrified at the same time. I do have to admit that when I resumed Tenacious D the (what I finally realized was aerobics) class got a lot more interesting. 
I imagined the beginnings of a mosh pit in the circle of yoga mats. Henry & Mortimer would be trading blows over Ethel because both we’re so jealous & attracted to her irresistible blue mohawk while Tenacious D’s most famous song (Yes, that one. The only song I’ve ever heard use Zanzibar in the lyrics) played & the beginnings of Higher Ground from the Red Hot Chili Peppers made its entrance. 

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Giggling to myself I headed over to a seemingly innocent medieval device called the incline press. 
If you want to feel like a total loser, try the incline press. 

I feel like a total loser. 

I put 100 pounds on it & proceeded to shriek in agony. By the time I did my third set my arms were shooting flames. 

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I think I spotted. 

Although I’m pretty sure the flames looked neat from afar, I know that the next couple of days are going to be spent in quiet pain as I recover from that diabolical machine. 

A Song Just For Me

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My special lady friend was back in the pool today ; )

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As I swam my laps there was a free lane next to me but she quietly slipped into mine with her styrofoam water weights (minus the scuba mask) & began her routine.

This consisted of dancing in place while pumping her arms up & down in the water while humming quietly.

 
Each time I approached she batted here eyes at me and hummed a little louder. 
When I didn’t pay attention she began singing some show tune from Oklahoma at the top of her lungs. 

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When I next surfaced she had a full sound & light stage set up at the end of the pool, was wearing a long blonde wig while belting out Mötley Crüe’s Dr. Feelgood. 

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I think she may be lacking attention at home…

Ps. Nike? Your Cross Trainers are full of $&#%. They don’t work at all in the pool. 

Pps. You know how when a movie says “based on a true story” that it’s loosely translated as “this movie is full of crap”? So are these posts based loosely on something I saw or heard at the gym that morning ; )
The lady in question is a real sweetheart who sat next to me in the hot tub after her workout (she actually was humming) & gave me a dynamite recipe for cornbread that I’ll be making today. 
I think I’ve hit the jackpot with the aqua-ettes as they all seem to be approaching me (after finding out what I do for a living) & sharing their best recipes with me :)))))
I’m beginning to enjoy the gym.

The Annual Physical

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Just got back from my annual (not) physical & the Doc assures me that my arms & legs are indeed still attached and my head is still screwed on correctly if just a bit bent.

Luckily, I’m still under 50 so the doc’s fingers remained where they ought to and I made it out of the office whimper free.

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Just like King Julian I’m physically fit, physically fit, physically, physically, physically fit! (If you have young kids you’ll recognize this from Madagascar) I may now continue with my self emasculating with professional approval.

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Muscles I Didn’t Know I had

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Ah, the gym. Such a nice, pristine place. 
With the soothing sounds of the Steve Miller Band emanating from the overhead speakers you wouldn’t think that this is a place of torture, humiliation & denim dress wearing speed walkers (true). 
Today I found my gummy legs right where I left them by the drinking fountain and I’ve decided that my arms would prefer to live there as well. 
My torso is slowly making its way to the locker room while my mind drifts in & out of consciousness. 
Lats, biceps, triceps, quintupliceps. Muscles I didn’t even know I possessed and muscles I made up for this post are ON FIRE. 

Tomorrow, more news from the pool. I’m not sure but I think the aqua-ettes have been missing me for the last couple of days.

My First Real Weightlifting Workout

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Today’s workout observations will be brought to you later this afternoon as I delve into the world of weight lifting (& avoiding the posing mirror)
Funny how when you’ve decided to start waking up at 5 IN THE $&#% MORNING your body says “This what we will now do FOREVER!” 
Maybe if I start treating it more as a “Temple” rather than a “Dumpster” it’ll cut me some occasional slack.

We’ll see. Stay tuned…

 

***Later that day…***

 

Aaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiii!!!!!

and
Aaaauuuugggggghhhhhh!!!!!

sing it with me now!
Hhhhuuuuuuuuuunnnghhhh!!!!!

This first day of gym time has been brought to you by the jellied sticks formerly known as my lower extremities. 

I’m pretty sure I left both of my legs over at the drinking fountain. Two of the old men from the elliptical machines are trying them on now. 

After downloading the latest & greatest beginners weight lifting program (I this one was for extreme beginners, in fact I seem to remember the word “fetus” somewhere in the title) I started in with squats.

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This word is what I’ll probably be doing for the rest of the evening & into tomorrow. This graphic word was followed directly by leg presses, calf raises & leg extensions (I’m gonna need them).

Have any of you seen the YouTube video of the runway model who can’t stop wobbling on her high heels? Look it up. This is exactly what I looked like walking back to the locker room. 

I didn’t feel that I had done quite enough so I dragged my (insert donkey alternative here) into the pool for some flailing and proceeded to tow my legs like bait for a solid mile. 

I’m not sure I’ll be able to move in the morning but tomorrow is back, shoulders & arms. Not sure if the pool will see my tears…

My Special Friend

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As I hauled my great white fish belly into the pool today I was treated to the sight of an elderly lady in full makeup regalia.

She was wearing a pearl (I’m assuming imitation) necklace, a bathing cap, a full scuba diving face mask and a mumuit doing (my best guess) the back stroke. 
As she stopped at the end of the lane she struck up a conversation.
With the scuba mask still in place she looked like she’d been on the sooooo not winning side at the end of a professional welterweight boxing match. Her lips were all puffy under the nose seal & my mind couldn’t shake the vision as my eyes were glued to the center of her face.
I actually had to look at her hands to make sure she didn’t have gloves on & was looking at me for retribution (I know, boxing gloves in the swimming pool. That’s just the way my mind works when oxygen & fatty food deprived).

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I realized at that very moment that this wasn’t just a light conversation. SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME!!!!!

I guess if you don’t lay it out there you’ll never get the opportunity but that hit me square between the eyes.
I made up some lame excuse about organizing my sock drawer & hightailed it out of the pool. 
She waved & said she see me again. 
Maybe it was my imagination but those words sounded a little threatening…

Today’s workout was a little rough.  I came, I saw, I Concorded.

Feeling Curly

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What I think I look like while doing curls…

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It seems that many of my workout mornings are sponsored by the letter “F”. 

I’m pretty sure that the reason there’s an exercise called “preacher curls” is because the entire time you’re doing them you’re praying to the almighty that your arms will stop the screaming. 

I kept getting worried looks from the aerobics instructor so I just left them there at the bench unhappily pistoning away. At that point I didn’t even care that I looked ridiculous. 
They’ll make their way home later. 

FYI… “F” is for Fantastic because that’s how I feel. 

FAN $&#%ing TASTIC…

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What I actually look like while doing curls.

 

Stay thirsty my friends…
 

 

One For The Ladies

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As I donned my circa 1984 fluorescent yellow & pink scuba suit I thought “You know, the ladies are in for a treat this morning!” 

With flippers on, mask & snorkel in tow I made my grand entrance into the pool room. (If you’ve ever worn swim fins you know how awkward this walk looks…)

The Glamour Boys were the only ones in the pool. 

One of them choked a little bit while the other snickered barely under his breath as I made my way into the water, ashamed to the core, feeling like some sort of neon Michelin Man and squeaking as if two overinflated balloons were rubbing together under my suit. This wasn’t how I’d planned it…

With the Glamour Boys (strangely cologne free) putting on their best Oprah Winfrey show gossip segment next to me in lane four I proceeded to exercise my humility away.