Category Archives: Uncategorized

A Song Just For Me

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My special lady friend was back in the pool today ; )

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As I swam my laps there was a free lane next to me but she quietly slipped into mine with her styrofoam water weights (minus the scuba mask) & began her routine.

This consisted of dancing in place while pumping her arms up & down in the water while humming quietly.

 
Each time I approached she batted here eyes at me and hummed a little louder. 
When I didn’t pay attention she began singing some show tune from Oklahoma at the top of her lungs. 

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When I next surfaced she had a full sound & light stage set up at the end of the pool, was wearing a long blonde wig while belting out Mötley Crüe’s Dr. Feelgood. 

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I think she may be lacking attention at home…

Ps. Nike? Your Cross Trainers are full of $&#%. They don’t work at all in the pool. 

Pps. You know how when a movie says “based on a true story” that it’s loosely translated as “this movie is full of crap”? So are these posts based loosely on something I saw or heard at the gym that morning ; )
The lady in question is a real sweetheart who sat next to me in the hot tub after her workout (she actually was humming) & gave me a dynamite recipe for cornbread that I’ll be making today. 
I think I’ve hit the jackpot with the aqua-ettes as they all seem to be approaching me (after finding out what I do for a living) & sharing their best recipes with me :)))))
I’m beginning to enjoy the gym.

The Annual Physical

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Just got back from my annual (not) physical & the Doc assures me that my arms & legs are indeed still attached and my head is still screwed on correctly if just a bit bent.

Luckily, I’m still under 50 so the doc’s fingers remained where they ought to and I made it out of the office whimper free.

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Just like King Julian I’m physically fit, physically fit, physically, physically, physically fit! (If you have young kids you’ll recognize this from Madagascar) I may now continue with my self emasculating with professional approval.

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Muscles I Didn’t Know I had

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Ah, the gym. Such a nice, pristine place. 
With the soothing sounds of the Steve Miller Band emanating from the overhead speakers you wouldn’t think that this is a place of torture, humiliation & denim dress wearing speed walkers (true). 
Today I found my gummy legs right where I left them by the drinking fountain and I’ve decided that my arms would prefer to live there as well. 
My torso is slowly making its way to the locker room while my mind drifts in & out of consciousness. 
Lats, biceps, triceps, quintupliceps. Muscles I didn’t even know I possessed and muscles I made up for this post are ON FIRE. 

Tomorrow, more news from the pool. I’m not sure but I think the aqua-ettes have been missing me for the last couple of days.

Enter The Draggin’

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Bruce Lee’s “Enter the Dragon” has been running through my mind today but when I entered the pool it was more like “Enter Draggin'”.

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I’m sure it looks pretty funny when another swimmer sees you absolutely wailing underwater. All they actually see is you with your mouth wide open & bubbles emerging at a steady pace from your pie hole. 

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The massive ghost of Chris-mas future (meaning what i’ll look like in 30 years if I don’t keep up with the exercise & sarcasm) was wallowing next to me in lane four and was good motivation to continue with my virtual self caning. 
35 minutes later & I have to admit I was feeling pretty good. 

I think if I keep this up I’ll be able to take off my inflatable water wings soon…

My First Real Weightlifting Workout

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Today’s workout observations will be brought to you later this afternoon as I delve into the world of weight lifting (& avoiding the posing mirror)
Funny how when you’ve decided to start waking up at 5 IN THE $&#% MORNING your body says “This what we will now do FOREVER!” 
Maybe if I start treating it more as a “Temple” rather than a “Dumpster” it’ll cut me some occasional slack.

We’ll see. Stay tuned…

 

***Later that day…***

 

Aaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiii!!!!!

and
Aaaauuuugggggghhhhhh!!!!!

sing it with me now!
Hhhhuuuuuuuuuunnnghhhh!!!!!

This first day of gym time has been brought to you by the jellied sticks formerly known as my lower extremities. 

I’m pretty sure I left both of my legs over at the drinking fountain. Two of the old men from the elliptical machines are trying them on now. 

After downloading the latest & greatest beginners weight lifting program (I this one was for extreme beginners, in fact I seem to remember the word “fetus” somewhere in the title) I started in with squats.

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This word is what I’ll probably be doing for the rest of the evening & into tomorrow. This graphic word was followed directly by leg presses, calf raises & leg extensions (I’m gonna need them).

Have any of you seen the YouTube video of the runway model who can’t stop wobbling on her high heels? Look it up. This is exactly what I looked like walking back to the locker room. 

I didn’t feel that I had done quite enough so I dragged my (insert donkey alternative here) into the pool for some flailing and proceeded to tow my legs like bait for a solid mile. 

I’m not sure I’ll be able to move in the morning but tomorrow is back, shoulders & arms. Not sure if the pool will see my tears…

My Special Friend

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As I hauled my great white fish belly into the pool today I was treated to the sight of an elderly lady in full makeup regalia.

She was wearing a pearl (I’m assuming imitation) necklace, a bathing cap, a full scuba diving face mask and a mumuit doing (my best guess) the back stroke. 
As she stopped at the end of the lane she struck up a conversation.
With the scuba mask still in place she looked like she’d been on the sooooo not winning side at the end of a professional welterweight boxing match. Her lips were all puffy under the nose seal & my mind couldn’t shake the vision as my eyes were glued to the center of her face.
I actually had to look at her hands to make sure she didn’t have gloves on & was looking at me for retribution (I know, boxing gloves in the swimming pool. That’s just the way my mind works when oxygen & fatty food deprived).

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I realized at that very moment that this wasn’t just a light conversation. SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME!!!!!

I guess if you don’t lay it out there you’ll never get the opportunity but that hit me square between the eyes.
I made up some lame excuse about organizing my sock drawer & hightailed it out of the pool. 
She waved & said she see me again. 
Maybe it was my imagination but those words sounded a little threatening…

Today’s workout was a little rough.  I came, I saw, I Concorded.

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Ok. I skipped a day at the gym yesterday. 

Do you want to know what happens when you skip your workout?
Really?

Alright, I’ll tell you. 

Nothing. 

Wait. Oh yeah, I forgot. 
I slept in, greeted the day with a fresh & unstained attitude, ate a healthy & unhurried breakfast and watched (get this) AN ENTIRE TELEVISION SHOW!!!

Alas, today I’ve been back at it & today’s big winner is the crunch. 
My soul is neatly packaged & hiding from me somewhere back in the gym. 

I crunched it there. 

I’m pretty sure I’d be both amused & horrified to see an picture of myself doing crunches. Mouth wide open in a grimace with snot running out of my nose. 

I’m fairly certain that sparks were shooting out of my hiney. 

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Once again, I’ve made it through and will survive to ridicule on another day. 

It ain’t easy being cheesy…

Feeling Curly

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What I think I look like while doing curls…

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It seems that many of my workout mornings are sponsored by the letter “F”. 

I’m pretty sure that the reason there’s an exercise called “preacher curls” is because the entire time you’re doing them you’re praying to the almighty that your arms will stop the screaming. 

I kept getting worried looks from the aerobics instructor so I just left them there at the bench unhappily pistoning away. At that point I didn’t even care that I looked ridiculous. 
They’ll make their way home later. 

FYI… “F” is for Fantastic because that’s how I feel. 

FAN $&#%ing TASTIC…

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What I actually look like while doing curls.

 

Stay thirsty my friends…
 

 

One For The Ladies

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As I donned my circa 1984 fluorescent yellow & pink scuba suit I thought “You know, the ladies are in for a treat this morning!” 

With flippers on, mask & snorkel in tow I made my grand entrance into the pool room. (If you’ve ever worn swim fins you know how awkward this walk looks…)

The Glamour Boys were the only ones in the pool. 

One of them choked a little bit while the other snickered barely under his breath as I made my way into the water, ashamed to the core, feeling like some sort of neon Michelin Man and squeaking as if two overinflated balloons were rubbing together under my suit. This wasn’t how I’d planned it…

With the Glamour Boys (strangely cologne free) putting on their best Oprah Winfrey show gossip segment next to me in lane four I proceeded to exercise my humility away.

The Glamour Boys

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And so today, for my meagerly awaiting workout post fans, we will speak briefly about “equality”.
There are men who wear cologne and men who do not wear cologne and many variations in between. Today in the pool the Aqua-ettes & I were assaulted by two (Count them! Two! Ah, ah, ah!) of the most foul smelling gentlemen I’ve ever witnessed in a water environment (not including myself after a long day of sewer repair). I’m not sure if the health center has installed a cologne section in the shower room but sweet haysoos these guys were covered in it. 
The question I pose to you is “Do these men have the right to marry?” My guess is (judging by the Aqua-ettes and seeing their furtive & horrified glances at the men while huddled together at the edge of the pool hoping not to be noticed by either of them) that yes, they do, but zero women that I know (nor zero men) would let their mate out of the house with that level of nasal assault. There may yet be hope for the “equality” we’re hoping for but until there’s a shortage of bad cologne, these guys don’t stand a chance.