Category Archives: Uncategorized

Oh What A Lonely Boy

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When I walked into the pool room this morning, zero people were there. 

Even the shark was missing. 

I chuckled maniacally to my self, cannonballed into the water & began my swim with a tight lipped smile on my face (if I didn’t keep my mouth shut, huge bikini flavored water would seep in…)

As the laps slowly slid by I began to wonder where all of the Aqua-ettes were. Where were the Glamour Boys?

Every now & then as I paused between laps, ELO’s “It’s a living thing” line “I’m takin’ a dive!” Would drift appropriately over the speakers but as I continued Eric Carmen would leak into my head with…
“Aaalllll byyyyy myyyyysellllfff”
And I began to get a bit melancholy.

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After about thirty minutes of this rolling around in my head I began to get a little emotional & the crying started (aside from the normal workout projectile crying).

How do you really know you’re crying when you’re underwater? Your face is already wet & it’s strangely confusing. You think to yourself “Am I seriously doing this?”

The only giveaway is the fact that you’ve got a weird grimace on your face and bubbles are drifting out of the corner of your mouth. A thin line of snot may in fact be trailing out of your nose but seriously HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?!?!

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Luckily, I was the only one who noticed. 

Except maybe all of those video cameras…

The Short Bus

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I realized the mental state occurring in some of my fellow pool mates this morning. 

Intriguing… 

When I arrived, the Aqua-ettes & one of the Glamour Boys were all bunched together in the far two lanes drifting slowly up & down the length of the pool “exercising”

I began my laps & after about 20 minutes we were all treated to a visit from “The Short Bus”. 

She made her entrance from the locker room wearing what I will charitably call a flowered shower curtain with the biggest shower cap I’ve ever seen. 

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Although signs are posted throughout the pool area warning us all of the dire consequences following playing with, leaning on or even sidelong glancing at the lane ropes, she leaped right on top of one and began riding it like a cheap and slow motion amusement park ride, getting off & back on, getting out of the pool to jump back on it again. It was like watching a one sided WWF match. 

She laughed and laughed, enjoying every minute. 

As I left she was busy chewing on it. 

I’m wondering if they make blinders for swimming goggles…

Something In There Is Growling

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When I got into my truck to head out for the gym I was assaulted. 

The smell was incredible. 

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As I searched the vehicle it began to dawn on me that the funkadelic was actually me. 
Not in a smiley, funky beat sorta way but in a “something in here is dangerous” sorta way. 

Apparently I’ve forgotten that when you go to the gym on a regular basis it’s wise to perform a ritual on a regular basis as well called “washing your gym clothes”.

My eyes were watering & I was having visions. 

I could see waves of something undead coming out if the bag like looking across the desert at high noon and my socks were crawling through the zipper on their own. 
My shirt was making some sort of growling noise and I had to hold it down with a stick.

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So now I’m headed to the car wash to hose out the interior of the truck and to burn the contents. 

If you see smoke don’t worry, it’s just me. 

Lesson learned.

More #&%$ing Curls

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Today it’s arms & back and once again I left my arms back at the curl bench. 

They will now live there. The back of them are fused to the elbow pad & the hands are death gripping the bar. 

Good riddance. 
I’m tired of not being able to use them after working out. 

Although most of the gym patrons here arrived on the Nina, the Pinta & the Santa Methuselah, the old guy next to me was running along on the elliptical machine & smiling at my efforts and the grandmotherly woman on my left was laughing outright at the look on my face. 

Gma “You look like you have to poop!”
Me: “I’m trying not to”

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Now that the dastardly arms are gone I’m driving home, gripping the steering wheel with my teeth. Wish me luck…

Huge Bikini Flavored Water

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As the bikini bottoms floated past my line of sight I knew I was in trouble. 

They were enormous. 

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My special friend was back and raising the stakes in her one player game. 

As I began to choke on huge bikini flavored water she decided that CPR was her next best option. 

She grabbed hold of my head & began pulling me closer with her eyes closed and a blissful look on her face (a look of pure terror on mine), mouth wide open. 

I could see both of her teeth. 

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If you’ve ever taken the lifeguard course you know that a desperate person clinging to you will let go if you submerge and that’s exactly what I did. 

She turned me loose and I did the most amazing freestyle stroke (hovering above the water) and exited the swimming arena (to the sound of laughter from the Aqua-ettes).

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I think the afternoons are looking more attractive by the minute…

Redneck Death

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Sunday was brought to us by the letter “R”

For Redneck. 

100% of male redneck deaths are preceded by the words “Hey, watch this!”
Also, 99.724% of all statistics on male redneck deaths are made up on the spot.

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Note:
If you haven’t done a standing back flip in six to ten years, try a few by yourself before trying one in front of your wife & (now thoroughly unimpressed) son. 

Jett says “Hey Dad? Can you show me a back flip?”
I was feeling pretty good so I said those fateful words “Watch this…”

I made it about three quarters of the way around, landed on my head (true), broke one of my toes (true) and left my pride in the back yard next to the trampoline and my crumpled psyche. 

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I’m lucky I didn’t break my (red) neck. 

Today’s workout was legs & a half mile in the pool complete with one of the Glamour Boys & my special lady friend ( who gave me an interesting recipe for chicken wings).
This time my legs were less like “bait” & more like “Fish On!” So maybe I’m cresting the mountainous hurdle of forced exercise. 

Saturdays At The Pool

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Skipping a day means a makeup day in the pool.

This is I’ll advised after an upper body workout when your shape is “round” instead of “in”

My arms & chest were crying out in agony and it took me 60 laps to loosen up. Unfortunately my swim is only 36 laps and that just never happened. 

On a lighter note, my special friend was back this morning & waiting at the end of my lane as I finished my lap. 

As I came up she began to speak and at that precise moment her beautiful while teeth fell out of her head and directly into the pool. 

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She covered her mouth, turned and ran in the opposite direction. 
From my vantage point it looked like she was hovering in a pose like the FTD mascot (I’m pretty sure it’s Mercury with the wings on his ankles)

I quietly submerged, retrieved said choppers & laid them gently at the side of the pool. 

Saturdays are pretty interesting here. I think I’ll be back…

The Dementia Games

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Today was like an episode of “The Dementia Games”
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“W”, my “apparent” special friend in the pool, has been playing unwitting tricks on me. 

When she asked me how the cornbread turned out I told her that I thought I’d done something wrong. 
As I quoted her recipe back to her verbatim she shook her head with each ingredient & said “No, no” and my yabbut’s (yeah, but…you said!) were falling on deaf (& swimming cap covered) ears.
She proceeded to give me an entirely new recipe which I’m supposed to make today. 
All if my work in the pool is coming undone due to the dastardly cornbread. 

I should have realized what was going on when I arrived at the pool & one of the aqua-ettes whispered to the other 

“Watch this…”

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The NFL & Personal Hygiene

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Let’s have a short chat about personal hygiene. 

As I’ve spent more time in the pool my skin & hair have tended to dry out a bit so I’ve been sampling some different products to combat the Death Valley feel to my overall person. 

Dove body wash for men has proven to be quite nice. It seems to rehydrate my skin after the chlorine has done its best to suck the soul from my outer layer. 

Head & Shoulders has the distinction of being the “Official shampoo of the NFL” and, upon trying their product, I’ve determined that they must mean the National Farina League because my hair feels like a haystack. 

I’m pretty sure they’ve got some industrial stripper in there. 

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As I toweled my hair dry I started a small brush fire & had to jump screaming right back into the pool (where I was immediately consoled with more flirting from my special friend).

***Its Monday so that means a leg workout plus swimming to combat the lethargy of the weekend. Once again after turning my legs into vanilla pudding I had to drag them through the water behind me for a half mile before I could feel them coming slowly back to life. 

I’m fairly sure that the hand prints and drag marks leading to my car are a good indicator that I’m at least not faking it (much) in the gym. 

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Have a happy Monday my friends 😉

The Incline Press

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As I made my way into the gym this morning I was treated to the sight of the slowest line dancing I’ve ever witnessed. 

Four rows of elderly booties shaking & moving to the sounds of (in my headphones) Tenacious D. 
Removing said headphones, Olivia Newton John came into focus & Let’s Get Physical swam into my aural view. I was amazed & horrified at the same time. I do have to admit that when I resumed Tenacious D the (what I finally realized was aerobics) class got a lot more interesting. 
I imagined the beginnings of a mosh pit in the circle of yoga mats. Henry & Mortimer would be trading blows over Ethel because both we’re so jealous & attracted to her irresistible blue mohawk while Tenacious D’s most famous song (Yes, that one. The only song I’ve ever heard use Zanzibar in the lyrics) played & the beginnings of Higher Ground from the Red Hot Chili Peppers made its entrance. 

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Giggling to myself I headed over to a seemingly innocent medieval device called the incline press. 
If you want to feel like a total loser, try the incline press. 

I feel like a total loser. 

I put 100 pounds on it & proceeded to shriek in agony. By the time I did my third set my arms were shooting flames. 

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I think I spotted. 

Although I’m pretty sure the flames looked neat from afar, I know that the next couple of days are going to be spent in quiet pain as I recover from that diabolical machine.