Tag Archives: funny

The Dairy Section

June 23, 2013Uncategorizedchris graham, cottage cheese, exercise, exorcise, funny, workoutcgraham1969

As I swam my laps this morning I had dairy on my mind.

Cottage cheese as a matter of fact.

Over the years as I’ve scooted up to the:

table/bar/picnic basket/vending machine/convenience store/drive thru/lunch counter/deli/hot dog stand…
I’ve gone from delicate skim milk to large curd cottage cheese on my *ss.

The journey “from” large curd to small curd on the booty isn’t actually as long as the journey “to” but it’s infinitely more difficult.

I was able to perform much of the “to” in the comfort of my very own house, from my very own (& incredibly comfy I must say) couch with a very weighty (metaphorically speaking) remote control in my hand and a large wonderful television at my beck & call.

The “from” is enacted in the dark of night when only the asinine birds are awake & I stumble into a place smelling vaguely of my high school gym (Go Warriors!) and some sort of liniment that you’re only told about after the age of 97.

It’s a slow, arduous process but I do see improvement occasionally in the (funhouse) mirror so I think I’ll continue.

Although, that damned frozen pizza aisle is calling to me & my couch looks longingly at me as I drag my (insert donkey word) back into the house each morning.

I wave a tearful goodbye to my old friend & head back out to (reluctantly) greet the day…

Miracle Nuggets

June 23, 2013Uncategorizedchris graham, exercise, exorcise, funny, miracle nuggets, workoutcgraham1969

I thought since my back didn’t hurt as much that I was on the mend and 86’d the meds.

I think I made a mistake.

Of all the thinks I’ve thunked, that was an ill informed one & I’m paying the piper for my stupid thunking.

My workout consisted of tossing & turning all night with each toss accented by an “Aaaauuugggghhhh!!!!” and each turn by an “Oooohhhhh!!!!”

Doc,
You’re right, I’m wrong.
You have the the knowledge & I have an empty head.
You’re good looking & I’m not attractive.
(Is that enough groveling?)

Your halo is so bright that I can’t look directly at you.

With my mouth full of little white miracle nuggets (pills) & a cocktail that I NOW KNOW FOR SURE WORKS, I’m back on the straight & narrow.

More fuzzy news from the pool tomorrow…

Better Living Through Chemistry

June 23, 2013Uncategorizedchemistry, chris graham, drooling, exercise, exorcise, funnycgraham1969

Chemistry is an amazing science.

I’m not talking about the chemistry between me & my special friend. (We go together like an oil spill on a duck. Bonding folks, bonding.)

I’m talking about better living through chemistry.

I had a slight back injury last week that blossomed into a serious “I can’t walk” episode and my current meds weren’t doing the trick.
After a call to the family doc & a new prescription I had salvation in my hands.

I don’t think my doctor stressed “these might make you tired” enough.

About a half hour after taking the new chemical cocktail that the King of Pop would have been be jealous of, drool began leaking out of the corner of my mouth & my entire face was sagging into the middle of my chest.

I was snoring with my eyes open while still somewhat awake yet semi comatose.

It was wonderful.

This morning in the pool I swam for 30 minutes under the influence & can’t seem to remember taking a breath.

My back is on the mend & Doc…

I think I love you.

Oh What A Lonely Boy

June 22, 2013Uncategorizedchris graham, exercise, exorcise, funny, lonely boycgraham1969

When I walked into the pool room this morning, zero people were there.

Even the shark was missing.

I chuckled maniacally to my self, cannonballed into the water & began my swim with a tight lipped smile on my face (if I didn’t keep my mouth shut, huge bikini flavored water would seep in…)

As the laps slowly slid by I began to wonder where all of the Aqua-ettes were. Where were the Glamour Boys?

Every now & then as I paused between laps, ELO’s “It’s a living thing” line “I’m takin’ a dive!” Would drift appropriately over the speakers but as I continued Eric Carmen would leak into my head with…
“Aaalllll byyyyy myyyyysellllfff”
And I began to get a bit melancholy.

After about thirty minutes of this rolling around in my head I began to get a little emotional & the crying started (aside from the normal workout projectile crying).

How do you really know you’re crying when you’re underwater? Your face is already wet & it’s strangely confusing. You think to yourself “Am I seriously doing this?”

The only giveaway is the fact that you’ve got a weird grimace on your face and bubbles are drifting out of the corner of your mouth. A thin line of snot may in fact be trailing out of your nose but seriously HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?!?!

Luckily, I was the only one who noticed.

Except maybe all of those video cameras…

The Short Bus

June 22, 2013Uncategorizedchris graham, exercise, exorcise, funny, short buscgraham1969

I realized the mental state occurring in some of my fellow pool mates this morning.

Intriguing…

When I arrived, the Aqua-ettes & one of the Glamour Boys were all bunched together in the far two lanes drifting slowly up & down the length of the pool “exercising”

I began my laps & after about 20 minutes we were all treated to a visit from “The Short Bus”.

She made her entrance from the locker room wearing what I will charitably call a flowered shower curtain with the biggest shower cap I’ve ever seen.

Although signs are posted throughout the pool area warning us all of the dire consequences following playing with, leaning on or even sidelong glancing at the lane ropes, she leaped right on top of one and began riding it like a cheap and slow motion amusement park ride, getting off & back on, getting out of the pool to jump back on it again. It was like watching a one sided WWF match.

She laughed and laughed, enjoying every minute.

As I left she was busy chewing on it.

I’m wondering if they make blinders for swimming goggles…

Something In There Is Growling

June 22, 2013Uncategorizedchris graham, exercise, exorcise, funny, gym clothescgraham1969

When I got into my truck to head out for the gym I was assaulted.

The smell was incredible.

As I searched the vehicle it began to dawn on me that the funkadelic was actually me.
Not in a smiley, funky beat sorta way but in a “something in here is dangerous” sorta way.

Apparently I’ve forgotten that when you go to the gym on a regular basis it’s wise to perform a ritual on a regular basis as well called “washing your gym clothes”.

My eyes were watering & I was having visions.

I could see waves of something undead coming out if the bag like looking across the desert at high noon and my socks were crawling through the zipper on their own.
My shirt was making some sort of growling noise and I had to hold it down with a stick.

So now I’m headed to the car wash to hose out the interior of the truck and to burn the contents.

If you see smoke don’t worry, it’s just me.

Lesson learned.

More #&%$ing Curls

June 22, 2013Uncategorizedchris graham, exercise, exorcise, funny, workoutcgraham1969

Today it’s arms & back and once again I left my arms back at the curl bench.

They will now live there. The back of them are fused to the elbow pad & the hands are death gripping the bar.

Good riddance.
I’m tired of not being able to use them after working out.

Although most of the gym patrons here arrived on the Nina, the Pinta & the Santa Methuselah, the old guy next to me was running along on the elliptical machine & smiling at my efforts and the grandmotherly woman on my left was laughing outright at the look on my face.

Gma “You look like you have to poop!”
Me: “I’m trying not to”

Now that the dastardly arms are gone I’m driving home, gripping the steering wheel with my teeth. Wish me luck…

Huge Bikini Flavored Water

June 22, 2013Uncategorizedbikini, chris graham, exercise, exorcise, funny, huge bikinicgraham1969

As the bikini bottoms floated past my line of sight I knew I was in trouble.

They were enormous.

My special friend was back and raising the stakes in her one player game.

As I began to choke on huge bikini flavored water she decided that CPR was her next best option.

She grabbed hold of my head & began pulling me closer with her eyes closed and a blissful look on her face (a look of pure terror on mine), mouth wide open.

I could see both of her teeth.

If you’ve ever taken the lifeguard course you know that a desperate person clinging to you will let go if you submerge and that’s exactly what I did.

She turned me loose and I did the most amazing freestyle stroke (hovering above the water) and exited the swimming arena (to the sound of laughter from the Aqua-ettes).

I think the afternoons are looking more attractive by the minute…

Redneck Death

June 22, 2013Uncategorizedchris graham, exercise, exorcise, faceplant, funny, redneckcgraham1969

Sunday was brought to us by the letter “R”

For Redneck.

100% of male redneck deaths are preceded by the words “Hey, watch this!”
Also, 99.724% of all statistics on male redneck deaths are made up on the spot.

Note:
If you haven’t done a standing back flip in six to ten years, try a few by yourself before trying one in front of your wife & (now thoroughly unimpressed) son.

Jett says “Hey Dad? Can you show me a back flip?”
I was feeling pretty good so I said those fateful words “Watch this…”

I made it about three quarters of the way around, landed on my head (true), broke one of my toes (true) and left my pride in the back yard next to the trampoline and my crumpled psyche.

I’m lucky I didn’t break my (red) neck.

Today’s workout was legs & a half mile in the pool complete with one of the Glamour Boys & my special lady friend ( who gave me an interesting recipe for chicken wings).
This time my legs were less like “bait” & more like “Fish On!” So maybe I’m cresting the mountainous hurdle of forced exercise.

Saturdays At The Pool

June 22, 2013Uncategorizedchris graham, dentures, exercise, exorcise, funnycgraham1969

Skipping a day means a makeup day in the pool.

This is I’ll advised after an upper body workout when your shape is “round” instead of “in”

My arms & chest were crying out in agony and it took me 60 laps to loosen up. Unfortunately my swim is only 36 laps and that just never happened.

On a lighter note, my special friend was back this morning & waiting at the end of my lane as I finished my lap.

As I came up she began to speak and at that precise moment her beautiful while teeth fell out of her head and directly into the pool.

She covered her mouth, turned and ran in the opposite direction.
From my vantage point it looked like she was hovering in a pose like the FTD mascot (I’m pretty sure it’s Mercury with the wings on his ankles)

I quietly submerged, retrieved said choppers & laid them gently at the side of the pool.

Saturdays are pretty interesting here. I think I’ll be back…

The Daily Exorcise

One man's erratic journey to better health