Meanwhile, back at the pool…

When I arrived today, the place was packed! I’m pretty sure there’s some sort of “We’re gonna make you quit” conspiracy.
Being ever vigil, I’m prepared for this sort of insurrection & I discreetly pulled a Baby Ruth out of my bag, slipped it into the back of my shorts & walked to the edge of the pool. As I turned around, it slipped from my shorts & directly into lane two.

I don’t believe I’ve ever seen the elderly & infirm move quite so fast! The cries of anguish from lane two were ear piercing, the Aqua-ettes were doing a fine impression of Jesus walking on water in their mumuits* & I saw an old woman in a plastic water wheelchair leaving a wake going up the handicap ramp. Moses in lane three parted the waters & levitated through the skylight.

Needless to say (but I’m gonna anyway) I had a nice leisurely swim all alone & a wonderful snack at the end : )
I wonder what tomorrow brings…

* I’m pretty sure Jesus wasn’t panicking in place on the water but the ladies sure were!
Also, you heard it here first folks. Mumuits – The Mumu swimsuit.

The Proclaimers

July 2, 2013Uncategorizedchris graham, exercise, exorcise, the proclaimerscgraham1969

Ok. Lets talk about The Proclaimers for a bit.

Those guys are full of (insert expletive here). I would walk a thousand miles to fall down at your door?

I’d bet large amounts of cash that he’d fall down not long after he started! If it took me fifteen minutes to walk/run one mile it would take him 10.42 days of solid movement to make it. Malarkey.
Today I also swam a little over a mile & left little bits of my quivering torso behind to feed the shark (that I’m still pretty sure lives somewhere in that pool)

As I rolled into the pool room this morning the words “Hi Six Pack!” rang out.

I smiled and waved and said to myself “I’m gonna give them a show today” thinking maybe I’d regain some of my dignity after yesterday’s turf induced humiliation.

Putting my swim goggles on, I flexed my muscles a little and got set for a graceful dive into the water.

I geared up for a long leap, tensed up and sprang from the pools edge as hard as I could…

and slipped.

I was instantly horizontal about three feet in the air. My body was over the water and my feet were still over the pools’ edge.

The look of horrific surprise on my face must’ve been priceless.

I don’t think my head even made it under the water as I belly flopped onto the surface of the pool.

My feet remained hooked onto the ledge and my goggles were wedged under my left nostril and over my right eye at the same time.

With my ears full of water and my cheeks hot with shame, I crawled back out of my watery humiliation and left the room.

I’m sure the ladies will still be giggling about it on Monday…

One For The Ladies (thedailyexorcise.com)

The Honorable Muhammad

July 2, 2013Uncategorizedchris graham, exercise, exorcise, funny, george foreman, gmuhammad alicgraham1969

Today, for the second time in my life, I saw Muhammad Ali.

The first time was at the 1984 Olympics in Los Angeles.

I was out to watch a day of boxing and saw him in the concourse. I walked up and shook his (enormous) hand and told him it was nice to meet him before his bodyguard gave me the Vulcan neck pinch & threw me into the horizon.

Today, 29 years later I saw him again.

He was a woman.

I don’t mean he was acting like a pansy or wearing a wig.
He. Was. A. Woman.

With fists that could easily have crushed my sternum and the same haircut I remember from watching Howard Cosell, she was jazzercising in the shallow end of the pool and singing out (ironically) “Float like a butterfly, sing like a bee!”

I was tempted to go shake her hand but her bodyguard looked like he had the neck pinch ready to so I stayed where I was.

As I was leaving I swear I saw George Foreman coming out of the women’s locker room.

I probably should have stuck around…

The Bean Squeezin’s of Life

July 2, 2013Uncategorizedchris graham, exercise, exorcise, funnycgraham1969

This is why I need coffee in the morning.

I just went in for my morning “business” and then immediately sprayed athletes foot spray all over the bathroom instead of the air freshener.

I thought “well, that smells strange. I won’t buy that flavor again.”

Brewing now…

Lights Out

June 28, 2013Uncategorizedchris graham, exercise, exorcise, funny, psycho, workoutcgraham1969

The pool was dark this morning.

Like cheesy 80’s horror movie dark only this time the serial killer is a sweet old lady on a motorized cart.

When I drove up and saw that the lights were off I thought “CLAUDE HAVE MERCY, ITS CLOSED! YAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!”(Thankyouthankyouthankyou)

Upon closer inspection it wasn’t closed, the lights just weren’t working and the room had a shadowy cast.

Deflated and with a heavy heart I knuckle dragged into the locker room and put on my suit for my next near drowning.

As each lap slowly passed I was waiting to encounter a pair of overall covered legs and work boots standing waist deep in the water with an idling chainsaw hovering over the surface.

Strangely disappointed that I didn’t get to witness a demented water psycho, I listened to the chatter of the Aqua-ettes and smiled to myself.

Maybe I was the psycho…

Nah, just an over active imagination.

Ripped Jeans

June 28, 2013Uncategorizedchris graham, exercise, exorcise, funny, ripped jeans, workoutcgraham1969

After a couple of months in the pool/gym my *ss is slowly getting smaller.

According to my pants, this is untrue.

Over the last week I’ve found three pairs of pants and one pair of shorts that have a rip in the back that I never noticed before.

The new unwanted vents are all in the same place.

Questions that arise are:
1. Are my newly rippled glutes just too much for the delicate fabric that has clothed man for at least a century and a half and said fabric withers at the mere thought of trying to cover up such amazing sculpture?
Or
2. Is my *ss is still just enormous and even tough denim can’t hold on tight enough and has to release the pressure through a new exit rendered out if desperation?

As I write this, I’m contemplating if my decisions are right, if the swimming is going to eventually pay off (I think it will) or if I should just give in and eat the donuts (hmmmm, it DOES sound interesting).

I think I’ll put the blinders on and try to believe that although my pants are giving up the ghost, it’s due to the fact that I haven’t bought any new ones for a while & they’re just threadbare.

I’m headed out for some new ones today.

Maybe a donut along the way though…

Skipping

June 28, 2013Uncategorizedchris graham, exercise, exorcise, funny, skipping, workoutcgraham1969

I skipped the pool again today.

It was AWESOME!!!!!

After tossing and turning all night I’m sure I visited every square inch of my bed at least forty seven times.

When the alarm went off at 5am I hauled my sorry carcass out of bed, turned off the alarm and went straight back to my room falling flat on my face into my pillow.

Screw the nine minutes the snooze button hands out like a pinch of m&m’s in front of the worlds largest candy store. You know there’s more than nine minutes of beautiful sleep behind that door, you just have to open yourself to a little procrastination.

I did.

I opened the door, crossed the threshold and dreamed the dreams of the innocent. (Or maybe just the slightly less guilty)

I feel great and the Aqua-ettes are just gonna have to do without me today 🙂

&%$#@& &^%$#@#$%^&&^%$#$%^&!!!!!

June 28, 2013Uncategorizedchris graham, exercise, exorcise, funny, workoutcgraham1969

With yesterday’s sangria & mexican beat down behind me (figuratively), I had a fresh start (also figuratively) in the pool today.

Soon, the fresh start got a little tainted (in a great way).

Samantha L. Jackson was back.

Laying with her arms across the lane rope and her back leaning against it like some extra comfy divan, she was lazily kicking her legs at about .047 rpm but in contrast had a grimace that was contemplating murder.

Mumbling under her breath I could hear the words “I can’t believe I have to do this m&$+*^f&$*^n’ sh*t”.

I offered a tentative good morning and she replied with “G&$D*^%M#€£+*^F%#&$@?!DOCTOR’s£€#%^*+sh*t•@&$'”@&#%^*!!!”

I almost turned away as the rant continued but it’s kind of like a train wreck. You don’t want to see the bodies but you can’t shut your eyes as you drive by the carnage.

I mentioned our mutual love for ice cream and the fact that my son and I had shared some cherry chocolate chunk and her eyes lit up like she’d just seen the savior himself.

Her softer side showed.

It was more like gravel but still a bit softer.

“I LOVE THAT SH*T!!!”

You could see the wheels spinning and the idea forming in her mind when she blurted out “F**k this, I’m out!”

She launched herself out of the pool and as she left, she peeked her head out of the locker room and asked

“Do you know a good Mexican place that has sangria?”

Um…no…

Mexican Sangria

June 28, 2013Uncategorizedchris graham, exercise, exorcise, funny, mexican, sangria, workoutcgraham1969

Sangria was the beverage of choice yesterday.

My blushing bride turned…um…29…
(no, really)…and we were celebrating.

After a couple of hours relaxing in the yard & a couple of cigars it was time for a meal and some good local Mexican fare was decided on.

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever followed white sangria with Mexican food but it’s a volatile mix and I, my family, the new singed hole in my skivvies and now the entire aquatic center are paying the price.

It’s like a war zone in there.

The foul mist hanging over the pool has a distinct odor that stings the nostrils and makes the eyes projectile tear in order to wash away the burning sensation. (I can only guess that this is the scent of Sex Panther from Anchorman, a bit like a turd with burning hair on it)

I do have to say though that my swim took a lot less time due to the extra psi pressure buildup and subsequent expulsion.

I left a wake (in more ways than one).

With eyes downcast and a mumbled apology, I exited the pool although it fell on deaf (and mostly unconscious) ears.

Everyone had a slightly green pallor.

Maybe a salad today…

The Daily Exorcise

One man's erratic journey to better health